Do you know what it is like to be invisible and apparent?

Do you know how mind-blowing it is to be inconspicuous and arresting?

At the same time?

Do you know how it feels to be talked around but never addressed?

To be ignored and obsessed over?

It is infuriating and a relief.

It is tormenting and solace.

It is agonizing and contentment.

It is walking in the room and being immediately noticed and completely dismissed.

It is the tenuous place of being at the end of someone's condescending tone

and having to smile as if you didn't notice. To do the mind tricks that explain away the aggression

so that you can get through the day. To hear people speak of “medical mistrust”

and not speak of their torture of black bodies. To listen to people never say black people

but everyone knows they are talking about black people.

It is wild.

Can you imagine the coping mechanisms that come with always being noticed

but never being acknowledged?

Can you imagine seeing public policy enacted to maintain your invisibility

but police your presence?

It is numbing.

Now can you imagine what this does to a body? Elevated cortisol. Raised heart rate.

Fast breathing. Increased blood pressure. Tight muscles.

Sympathetic system always working.

Always.

Working.

And seeing the relief on the face of my black patients when they see my black face

and easing that lifelong stress for a moment.

This is the moment.

The. Moment.

Worth it.