As I continued to endure my difficult life situation, flamenco continued to organically be my healing tool which I used to connect with my inner self, my “duende” and express my full range of profound emotions. It also gave me strength to quietly continue holding constant microaggressions at work. Although this art form was my way of surviving this situation, over time, this place of ‘stuckness’ resulted in severe health condition that paralyzed my body and mind.

By Nov 2017, my traumatized body reacted somatically with extreme, involuntary contractions that were out of my control called spinal myoclonus. My body experienced what Halprin describes as “When we hold all these stories on an unconscious level, when we have no opportunity to creatively explore and express our stories, the body starts screaming out in one form or another, emerging as physical, emotional or mental distress" (Levine and Levine 1999, p. 133).

My inner energy and strength disappeared. I could barely move, talk, think or even stay still. I had hit my rock bottom and was lost, in pain, disconnected from my body, my soul, my life… my world. I didn't want to be seen but just disappear. I completely lost the perception of who I was and spiritually experienced what Levine and Levine (1992) describes as state of “defragmentation”, the collapse and despair accompanied by the loss of my identity, my being, my direction and ultimately, my wholeness. My soul had died and I desperately needed to feel alive again.

After visiting several doctors in the USA and Spain, running all necessary tests including but not limited to; MRI, EER and comprehensive blood work with no clear treatment or answers to my spinal myoclonus symptoms, all medical opinions agreed this was a psychosomatic response to stress associated with trauma. My despaired desperate attempts to survive forced me to find my own personal way to face this.

By this time, my health condition was so severe I completely stayed away from flamenco as an art form. As I had experienced flamenco, it had always been my tool to connect with my true self. Even before beginning this arts-based research journey into the therapeutic potential of Expressive Flamenco©, I have practiced and performed the art of flamenco for several years. It was always with me, even during other difficult moments of my life. But now I was trapped inside a body I could not control with my anxiety manifesting itself somatically which debilitated me. I was lost, disconnected, and scared to death; I had lost track of who I was or why I was in this world (Fig. 5).

Photo of Laura Sánchez during her creative process. Taken at Lesley University by Laura Sánchez. Copyright 2018 by Photo Researchers

I finally began my healing process during a second class in 2018 with Dr. Pinna-Perez at Lesley University while creating an art piece for a class assignment which became an “artistic representation of my personal breakthrough” (Sánchez, Personal Communication 2018). This art piece organically came through flamenco and was created from my deepest suffering and profound emotions at that time, which was now somatically manifesting itself with involuntary convulsions. It was born from my soul, my inner self…my “duende”. This piece of art was the most authentic expression of my pain at that time and was made out of its screams. My body and soul were yelling to be freed and I had to listen to survive.

This creative process helped me to formalize Expressive Flamenco© as an expressive arts-based approach where the echoes of my suffering reverberated through my entire being. Similar to the ADTA definition of dance/movement therapy, “the psychotherapeutic use of movement to promote the emotional, social, cognitive and physical integration of the individual”, expressive arts therapy incorporates all art forms which I believe are an essential part of Expressive Flamenco©. By screaming during my art-based process, I came to realize that the only way not to “break down” was to “break through” (Sánchez, Personal Communication 2018); to allow the echoes to reverberate.

This creative healing process started with a three hours of studio work (arts-based practice). When I began this phase, I was blocked with panic at the idea of creating art from “nothing” an open-ended prompt which encouraged us to “explore and play” with our personal arts-based practices. My inner fears and insecurities forced me to reach to the art that came most organically to me, flamenco. Listening to various pieces of music I found a “farrucaFootnote 4” which captivated me, and actively listened to the lyrics. The phrase “la farruca un día bailará de alegría” (Translation: “one day, the farruca will dance for joy”) touched my soul and stayed in my mind.

Because of this assignment, I encouraged myself to listen to flamenco again for the first time in months, allowing myself to connect with the singer and feeling identified with the “farruca”; the woman who is suffering and struggling, yet hopeful because she believes that one day, she will dance for joy again. This was a metaphor that brought me hope to trust that, one day, I would be dancing my life full of joy again.

Even though this piece of music gave me hope, I still needed to access my profound emotions of sadness, rage and frustration that had been in my body for months. I needed to give voice to my spirit body that was clamoring to be heard. I happened to listen to a Gómez' “granainaFootnote 5” that reached deep inside me because of the intensity and message of its lyrics. I felt the “quejidoFootnote 6” of the singer in my guts: “Cuéntame tu pena. Esa que lloras noche y día. Porque yo por ti daría, la sangre de mis venas, aunque me cueste la vida”. Translation: “Tell me about your grief. The one you cry days and nights”. Because for you, I would give the blood in my veins, even if it kills me (Gómez 2016a).

I could not resist bursting into tears, feeling the pain and profound suffering that had been invading my body for so long and was draining my life away. I listened to the music for hours even though I could barely move. My moves were slow, heavy, and it felt as my body was ten times its normal weight. My body was screaming and the involuntary contractions were coming out from my most profound inner pain. They came with strength, violence, and with much rage. As Chace et al. (1993) describes, this “basic dance” was the externalization of my inner feelings which could not be expressed in rational speech but were shared by rhythmic, symbolic action (p. 78) (Fig. 6).

Photo of Laura Sánchez experiencing a convulsion during her therapeutic process. Taken at Lesley University in Cambridge, MA by Laura Sánchez. Copyright 2018 by Photo Researchers

I could not stop crying while inter-modally transferring into drawing (visual arts) by taking black charcoal and putting it to white paper. My hands were dirty with charcoal and it covered my face, my clothes, and my entire body with something that looked like soot. Metaphorically speaking, I was covered “in my shit”; this reflected my suffering, my pain, my despair, which helped me release all those emotions.

In this music, I also found a hint of light and hope since Gómez (2016b) mentioned that “Había una estrella en el cielo que brillaba y se enamoraba de mí cada vez que yo sonreía” (Translation: “There was a star in the sky shining and falling in love with me each time I smiled”). I felt the phrase hit me in the stomach with such force that my body involuntary contracted to protect itself. I had not smiled in so many months that an extreme need to recover that lost smile got activated in me. I took a red chalk that represented brush strokes and some pieces of hope and, at the same time, the spilled blood in the process. It also represented the internal fire needed to push me out of that situation (Fig. 7).

 Drawing of Laura Sánchez created during her creative process. Photo taken at Lesley University by Laura Sánchez. Copyright 2018 by Photo Researchers

With this Expressive Flamenco© piece (where I incorporated visual art to the movement), I was reminded by Dr. Pinna-Perez of the “container” Levine and Levine (1999) describes in which “to experience the pain and feel it in my body, not with the purpose of eliminating it but of giving it a voice and finding a way to express it”. I realized I enjoyed expressing the pain because afterwards I felt relieved and enlivened.

While creating my art pieces, I realized I was collecting the pieces of my fragmented self. As I began to put these pieces together, I continued to feel the need to listen to the music over and over and dance with the drawings with every authentic fiber of my being. I was breathing life to those paintings and could feel them in my body connecting at a level that went beyond my being because they reciprocally were breathing life into me.

Suddenly, my body asked me to listen to something more cheerful, something to help me approach that situation with optimism, and Omi's “Cheerleader” song (2002) came to my mind. This piece has always represented for me the constant search for my “inner cheerleader.” I started moving while looking at the art pieces with mischievousness, humor and inner strength. I felt as if I was dancing with my past and present at the same time.

Dr. Pinna-Perez encouraged all of us to think of ourselves as arts-based researchers and suddenly, it occurred to me that in the future I might want to present my story in public and started envisioning what that might be like. That positive visualization of a possible future, where my situation would be an “overcome past”, activated something inside me and I burst into tears. They were tears of joy that ran through my body making me feel a sense of freedom, hope, and excitement imagining a future where all of that pain would be over. Envisioning this future gave me inner strength and hope to believe that the darkness of that night would not last forever.

The day after, I woke up thinking about the Ave María´s song from Niña Pastori (2007) and I listened to it over and over on my way to class. The lyrics say “Bendita tú eres entre todas las mujeres. Ruega por nosotros ahora y el día de nuestra muerte” (Translation: “Blessed you are among all women. Pray for us now, and at the hour of our death”). This music gave me peace of mind, security, and serenity and listed to it for hours.

For another class assignment in this second class with Dr. Pinna-Perez, I had to work with a paper bag, again. I was motivated to take several yarn spools and start playing with it. Cutting and gluing pieces of yarn on the paper gave me peace of mind since it focused my attention because it was simple to execute. My anxiety and stress were reduced. I started slow, little by little, simply letting the art emerge.

I realized the word “ole” spontaneously emerged in the visual art on the paper bag, something that I must have subconsciously sublimated into the art making. Based on Núñez (2001) “ole” is a type of jaleo 4 used in flamenco in order to encourage the soloist; be it the singer, the guitarist or the dancer. I personally believe this word can also be used to refer to the audience, the musicians or the dancers as a response to the art. This expression metaphorically represents the confidence that a person has to walk, dance, move and ultimately lives. That bag metaphorically became my attitude container where I would keep what would push me forward, and leave behind what I wouldn't need. Creating this piece of art helped me to be calm and present.

By the next class, it was time to move, activate our bodies, and observe what they had to say. Our guest instructor, Donna Socha, LMHC asked us to walk from one side of the room to the other as if we were the ugliest person in the world. I immediately felt sorry for that person and empathized with it right away. I started to walk backward, slowly, hunched over and becoming smaller and smaller. There was a moment in which that imaginary person's suffering became my own, which unconsciously connected with the part of me that felt that way. I didn't want to be seen I wanted to hide because I was afraid to show myself to the world. Although I felt sorrow, my body felt calm and protected as if I was giving it what it needed. Unconsciously, I was walking while writing toward my left side which felt really good. It was my safe place where I could feel protected.

During the entire exercise, I did not allow my classmates to see me/witness me. As we continued the exercise, we had to walk like “ourselves” and this generated an unexpected reaction on me. Witnessing my classmates walking as themselves with such sense of security made me feel confident about them. I could read in their expressions and movements that they knew where they were going as the most authentic version of themselves.

When I tried to walk being “myself”, I stood straight and walked at a fast pace without noticing my steps and arriving first to the goal. Once I got there, I felt miserable, I could barely breathe. I felt sorrow, anguish and desperation. How was it possible that I felt so good as the ugliest person in the world, and when I had to walk as “ME” I couldn't do it? That question was the inspiration for my next art piece. I began drawing with different colors and putting on paper how I felt. Sharing this piece with my classmate and giving words to an emotion allowed me to recognize what was happening because it echoed back to me, reverberating through my being what I needed to hear. I was going through a life situation where I needed time to be with myself, isolated from the world, to not be seen, to simply listen to my body, to my soul, and to meet my true self again. I couldn't walk like “myself” because I didn't know who I was anymore. My heart was broken, I was lost and in pain, but calm because I could see more clarity and light in my process which was reflected in the diversity of colors of my art piece (Fig. 8).

Art piece created by Laura Sánchez at Lesley University in Cambridge, MA. Copyright 2018 by Photo Researchers

At that time, I was still not capable of understanding how all the different art pieces were connected but tried not to think much more and simply remember that, as McNiff (2015) asserts, I needed to be able to create without knowing the result at the beginning of the process, since the end is always a surprise. The spontaneous creation continued and one of the most important revelations of the whole process occurred when I listened to the song “I Can” by the artist Nas (2002) during another class exercise which Dr. Pinna-Perez facilitated.

I could only hear “B”. “I know I can, BE what I want to BE”, this phrase is all I could understand from the song but stayed engraved in my mind and let me believe that I could BE anything I wanted to be. Believing this statement was the key to push me (press me out of) to get out of where I was through expression. I did not need to understand the lyrics of the song to connect to it and stay with what resonated with me.

That metaphoric letter “B” became what Shaun McNiff (2015), described as “imago”, a muse that gave meaning and a direction to all of it. It was my soul's voice, its desires and vision to give meaning to my presence in this world. That “B” was my hope, an illumination of my being, and a universe's blessing that had made me understand that, in order to be free, I needed to free myself of all the fears that were “B” locking me.

That discovery became the main theme of my personal creative process. The discovery of that “B” was an illumination, a symbolic word that represented my desires, my impulses, my conflicts, and my vulnerability. It was the piece that began to connect with all the previous pieces.

I stayed with that “B” and continued building my final art piece for the class from there. I grabbed a blank piece of paper and colored chalk and began to draw hard while thinking about what I had experienced. Drawing that “B” on paper made me realize that it also had the shape of a heart. The heart I needed to listen to with affection and compassion. I pushed the chalk against the paper so hard that it started to crumble leaving traces of color on the white paper. It felt as if I was erasing something, as if I was eliminating what I didn't like about the paper. It reminded me of my childhood when I was drawing at school and needed to reach for an eraser to correct my mistakes. For me, it was a liberation. It allowed me to express my rage and frustration on that paper relieving all my anxiety and anger (Fig. 9).

Copyright 2018 by Photo Researchers

Art piece created by Laura Sánchez at Lesley University in Cambridge, MA

While creating that piece I was listened to a flamenco song from Jacoba and Amigo (2014). The rhythm was Alegrías, which it's—as its Spanish name suggests—a joyful, expressive and festive palo (flamenco style). I listened to it because it evoked the joy I had lost that I needed to get back. It brought back the hope of dancing for joy again.

Because I could barely move for so long, I felt like an unanimated object collecting dust. Expressive Flamenco© provided the space to shake the dust out of my body through movement. A notable example of this occurred when I noticed that the chalk dust was around the “B” in the visual piece of art. This reminded me that I could blow on it to get it off the paper. I blew so hard that it flew off the drawing around the room leaving just my “B”, clean and clear. Cleaning the dust off my drawing gave me serenity, calm, and inner peace. I was metaphorically getting rid of everything that was not useful, and keeping everything that illuminated my “B”, my soul, my true being, my heart, my “duende”. This B was my authentic “YO” (translation: “I”). As I put all those art pieces together, in order to see the whole picture, I realized there was a story behind the pieces. Each piece was an essential stage, each one its own phase as I walked the path that would lead me to get to the “B”, the liberation of my true self.

I danced listening to each flamenco song and gave life to each one of those art pieces. I felt them in my being, in my body, and connected with the music, the movement and the drawings through and because of myself. I filmed an improvised performance (Sánchez 2018) and watching it I saw a story, with a beginning, a development and an ending. I could see the artist's authenticity and feel the voice of her suffering, her sorrow, her maximum joy, and also her sense of freedom at the end. It was myself moving and the most authentic version of my story was presented. I saw my vulnerability and enjoyed it, feeling compassion for that woman in pain. It felt similar to the authentic movement experience I had in the first creative phase of this art-based research when, through the use of video, I became the witness and the mover allowing myself to see myself as I am, Adler (1987) (Fig. 10).

Copyright 2018 by Photo Researchers

Art piece created by Laura Sánchez at Lesley University in Cambridge, MA

Several weeks later, I watched this video which inspired me to write a story named “Elena, la guerrera que brillará como el sol” (Translation: “Elena, the warrior who will shine like the sun”). In tears, I wrote the story of a warrior who fought in the most difficult battle of her life, the one with her inner self. I was putting words to the voice of my soul, which were not written from the intellect but from my inner screams. My words were born similar to the flamenco lyrics which, according to Manuel Machado, “are born from the heart, not from intelligence, and they are made of screams rather than words” (Ruiz 2016, p. 37). Reading this story from a third person perspective made me connect with my consciousness. I understood the warrior, who represented myself, had an ally, that inner cheerleader that would allow her to win the battle and become free. That inner cheerleader represents for me the true self, the true identity of the individual that shows up when there is a true connection with the authentic being happening. When this authentic connection, the type that goes beyond the self, occurs is when “duende” appears.

I read the story out loud, recorded it and added music to it in order to layer the intensity I was feeling to the story. I chose the song “Freedom”, from Braveheart last battle soundtrack. This music symbolized that battle to freedom in which the warrior would finally win. I listened to the story written from my soul and read from my own voice for hours. I felt the artist’s pain, her sorrow and her anguish in my body. After several hours of meditation and stillness in the pain, I felt compassion for that woman and something inside me awakened. The inner strength that my tale was talking about was representing my soul. Hearing my own voice reading the words of my soul amplified the connection happening within myself. I felt joy, hope, serenity, peace, enthusiasm, and I was no longer afraid to fly to my new journey. I was no longer afraid of what people might think because my soul's voice was so strong, so real, and so authentic that there was only room for her. I could feel in my body, my heart and my soul that I was finally free.